Alive and kicking (sort of)

Hi! Unfortunately Naughty Nightmares is still dead as a doornail, but I have started a new blog under a different name. :)

The blog is only in Finnish and it's about our upcoming wedding on Halloween 2015! I will post about my feelings towards the wedding, all the materialistic loveliness that goes with the occasion and also some about fitness... at least. :) So, if you still want to tag along, you are most welcome!

*click* Suden morsian *click*

So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish

Hi there.

On New Year's Eve 2010 I decided to finally start my own blog and now, two years later on New Year's Day I have decided that this is the end of this journey for me. It has been fun to record my life more or less publicly and blogging has taught me many things about life. One of which is the fact that recording everything you do is sometimes really hard and troublesome, at least for me and right now I just want to concentrate on living itself and not so much on writing about it. This is largely due to the fact, that I have less free time now, or actually I have more important things to do on my free time than blogging.

During the past two years I have realized how important it is, even for me, to sometimes just take time for myself, to do nothing, if I don't feel like it. Last week I realized it has probably been over a year since I've had time for just day dreaming and I realized how much I've missed it, how much I need it. Quoting a character in a book I'm currently reading: "Daydreamers alone are truly alive". The past year has been mostly survival for me. I have concentrated fully to achieve my goals and succeeded. I have graduated, found a job that I love, published a comic book, found a new home, adopted a new family member, started doing burlesque and managed to finally beat hyperthyreosis. Now that I have everything I could possibly want, I feel empty. I'm happy and proud of what I have become, but now it's time to enjoy the fruits of my hard work, and get to know the person who I have become along the way again.

As a sort of a new years resolution I promise I'll try to remember to enjoy the ride as much as the destination. I'll try to surround myself with things that make me happy, and remove things that don't, without guilt. I want to make art just for fun again as well as for some purpose, I want to read stupid, non educational fantasy books, play games: Skyrim, Pokémon, Magic the Gathering, pen & paper D&D, hang out with friends without a strict schedule, pet the cat as long as he wants, sleep all day, party all night, work overtime if I feel like it or take time off when deserved. This year and I hope from this year forward my aim will be purely on my happiness and I want to wish the same to you, dear readers. Thank you for your kind words, comments and everything. ♥

This is the end of this blog, but for those who still want to follow my life I still have profiles on Facebook and Instagram. Maybe I'll start blogging again in the future, I don't know, but for now I need to take time from somewhere and eliminate things that stress me. I don't quite know how to put this, so maybe I'll just quote someone wiser again:

 

The Road goes ever on and on 

Down from the door where it began. 

Now far ahead the Road has gone, 

And I must follow, if I can, 

Pursuing it with eager feet, 

Until it joins some larger way 

Where many paths and errands meet. 

And whither then? I cannot say. 

-Bilbo Baggins- 

White rabbit with a pocket watch

Hiya fellas!

I'm beginning to think that it is impossible for me to update this blog regularly. The problem is, when I actually do something that would be worthwhile to update I'm most likely not taking photos of the event, but enjoying it fully. I suck at blogging, haha... but yeah I actually came to babble a bit about the past couple of days weeks months.

Some of you probably know that I'm attempting to graduate this spring. That means the whole year I have been juggling several school projects to get points, working on my thesis and the project going with it, filling up my portfolio and on my spare time, practicing burlesque.

Boohoo my laptop is all dusty.

Also, I have an art exhibition coming up soonish. I'm up to my elbows in paint but then again I really enjoy painting! I just have a very tight schedule, which sucks because I would really like to spent even more time to finish up each painting. :I

Some works in progress!

We also have another burlesque gig coming up, so I have been making props, mainly new pasties. ♥ I really like making them, even though I'm still not very skilled at it... But well, my boobies ain't complaining. :D

Very basic red hearts. I wore these in my Little Red Riding Hood act in Never Grow Old. ♥

Turmion Kätilöt theme pasties! Just had to. xD

These are for my upcoming act... can anyone guess the theme? ;)

Next Sunday I'm also going to model again, it has been ages since I have been in front of a camera. I'm really, really excited about the project! The photographer gave me a little something beforehand to make preparations... guess what we'll be shooting? :D

Forget about penis envy, those fangs are HUGE!

Fangbanger much?

Of course, I have had some free time also. I have spent it visiting friends and relatives, having friends over at our place, partying, playing Magic the Gathering and Dungeons and Dragons... oh yeah and I turned 24 in the end of February also. Too bad I didn't take any pictures from my party, it was Alice in Wonderland -themed. :) I also ordered something nice for myself from ebay afterwards. ♥

Squee~! Absinthe spoon! It cost  around ten euros with postage. :3

And these beauties! I needed a new pair of party heels for winter since my loyal Pleasers are finally falling apart after 4 years of excessive wearing. :< But these are so pretty! Cheap too, around 30 euros with postage. ♥

Truth to be told I have been shopping quite a lot, but only second hand. I cleaned up our closets and threw out/sold/donated dosens of kilos of clothes and well, there wasn't much left so I really needed some new basic everyday wear. I might show those items too, depends whether Wolf is willing to take photos. :3

Meh, my life has been busy as hell lately, I'm hoping summer won't be nearly as hard. I have been looking for a perfect job after graduation,and I hope I can start already during summer but still, it cannot be this hard. :D But to all to my readers: happy springtime, Easter is coming up and that means CHOCOLATE. ;3 ♥

Show me how you burlesque!

Oh my gosh, almost a month has gone by since our first burlesque gig on Valentine’s day. So as promised, in this post I’m going to ramble a bit about burlesque in general, what I think of it and so on. Beware, wall of text coming right up!

So, what is burlesque? Wikipedia states:

“Burlesque is a literary, dramatic or musical work intended to cause laughter by caricaturing the manner or spirit of serious works, or by ludicrous treatment of their subjects. The word derives from the Italian burlesco, which itself derives from the Italian burla – a joke, ridicule or mockery.

Burlesque overlaps in meaning with caricature, parody and travesty, and, in its theatrical sense, with extravaganza, as presented during the Victorian era. "Burlesque" has been used in English in this literary and theatrical sense since the late 17th century. It has been applied retrospectively to works of Chaucer and Shakespeare and to the Graeco-Roman classics. Contrasting examples of literary burlesque are Alexander Pope's sly The Rape of the Lock and Samuel Butler's irreverent Hudibras. An example of musical burlesque is Richard Strauss's 1890 Burleske for piano and orchestra. Examples of theatrical burlesques include W. S. Gilbert's Robert the Devil and the A. C. Torr – Meyer Lutz shows, including Ruy Blas and the Blasé Roué

A later use of the term, particularly in the United States, refers to performances in a variety show format. These were popular from the 1860s to the 1940s, often in cabarets and clubs, as well as theatres, and featured bawdy comedy and female striptease. Some Hollywood films attempted to recreate the spirit of these performances from the 1930s to the 1960s, or included burlesque-style scenes within dramatic films, such as 1972's Cabaret and 1979's All That Jazz, among others. There has been a resurgence of interest in this format since the 1990s.”

Correct me if I’m wrong, but in my opinion nowadays burlesque is a performing art that usually includes comedy and striptease. However, not everybody agree on that! Some say it’s pure comedy with no erotic aspects, others say it’s just striptease with a fancier name. One of the most common opinions is that it’s just a chance for fat chicks to shake some booty too. When I heard that I actually felt quite insulted at first but later I started to notice a seed of truth and here’s why.

I have been a total fan of burlesque for several years. I think I’ve gone to most burlesque events in my city for several years and last year when we decided to form our own little burlesque group and start practicing I felt thrilled. But why? I’ve always felt that burlesque is very empowering. The scene is filled with brave women (and men) who dare to show off their erotic side on stage! And well, let’s face it… for me the most amazing thing has always been the diversity of nearly nude human bodies, beautiful in some very different way that in mainstream media.

So yes, burlesque is a chance for fat chicks to shake some booty. However, the same chance is for all others too. For that shy girl with glasses and body as a twig, or that single mom with deflated breasts, or that goth kid with stretch marks and skin pale as Finnish landscape on winter. In think it is fairly pointless to argue if burlesque is more theater or striptease, that is not important. To me, burlesque is all about embracing our bodies and the “faults” that come with it, and loving ourselves despite (and also because) of them. Most of the people who come to see burlesque (at least here in Finland) are women and I think that the cheer that emerges whenever a piece of clothing hits the floor is not because of progressing nudity, it is a cheer for bravery and also a cheer of relief (“Oh my gosh, that girl in there is just as… normal as me..!”).

Since I started doing burlesque my self confidence has increased so much! I feel more accepting towards my body… Of course I still want to improve it by training and diet but I also want to pamper it (which is fairly new to me). And I’m more forgiving towards myself, too, more allowing. So to me, the whole point of burlesque is to bring joy to people. That means both the audience AND the performer.

Speaking of performance, I think our show was a huge success! So many people came to see us they actually had to close the doors at some point because the bar was so full of people! Haha, the bar management definitely didn’t see that coming! I’m so happy that so many of my friends came to show their support, even though some of them had to leave because of the huge mass of people it really meant the world to me to see them there.

The show went well enough, I made a few mistakes and almost tripped when my heel got stuck to my skirt but I managed to pull it off in the end and I was happy with it. Next time I’ll do even better!

Truth to be told I think I was more nervous about what people, especially my family would think of this new hobby than about the actual performing. I must say that for a while I thought that this would make me a bad daughter, affect my possibilities to find work, etcetera… but then I realized that I personally don’t see anything wrong in doing burlesque (quite the opposite!) and it would be stupid of me to think that if someone else would judge me that persons opinion would be more important than mine own! I’m not perfect and my choices aren’t perhaps the choices that someone else would make, but they are my choices, and I should stick to what I feel to me is the right thing to do!

Below a couple of shots of me during our show, if you’d like to see more pictures of us go check out our Facebook page! ♥

© Pauli Tavasti

© Anniina Holappa

Of body and soul

Hello. I've been thinking long and hard weather I should write about this subject and if so, what would I have to say? I've finally made up my mind and decided that I will write about it. So today's post will be about body (issues). Sorry about rather free style of writing. :D

Tervehdys. Olen miettinyt pitkään ja hartaasti pitäisikö minun kirjoittaa tästä aiheesta ja jos niin mitä? Päätin nyt sitten tarttua härkää sarvista ja alkaa rustaamaan tekstiä aiheesta keho ja kehonkuva... anteeksi vaan tajunnanvirtamaisuus.

When I first started this blog I was trying to lose a little bit weight (and I did). I wanted to look better in my own eyes and of course in others' too. Almost exactly one year later I was afraid of dying. I weighted only 48kg, I felt powerless, I couldn't sleep, walk let alone exercise... do much anything. Because of the Hyperthyreosis, which also made me lose weight rapidly no matter how much I ate. It was without a doubt one of the scariest things I've ever experienced and it got me thinking... what really is important for me? Being skinny (aka constantly dieting since I'm not naturally skinny) suddenly didn't feel that important at all. I just wanted to be healthy and powerful again. I can normally do like 100 situps easily but suddenly I could only do like... two. I felt totally useless. And now, that I have finally gotten better and gained like 7kg of weight... I feel very confused. art of me is happy as hell that I can do whatever I want again, that I feel good, that I am alive. But part of me feels like a total failure for gaining all that weight... And the weirdest part is that I don't even know weather I looked better or worse before! At least Wolf is happy, he says I look more womanly now. But I'm not sure what to think. It feels terrible when your clothes don't fit you anymore. And I feel like... my value is diminished. I compare myself again. Bars make me sad. Internet makes me sad. And at the same time I keep thinking that this shit shouldn't even be important!

Kun aloitin kirjoittamaan tätä blogia halusin pudottaa vähän painoa (ja pudotinkin). Halusin näyttää paremmalta omaan silmääni ja tottakai myös muiden. Melkein tarkalleen vuosi myöhemmin pelkäsin kuolevani. Painoin 48kg, olin täysin voimaton, en pystynyt nukumaan, en kävelemään, phumattakaan treenaamisesta... en jaksanut oikein mitään kiitos hypertyreoosin joka sai myös painoni putoamaan hälyyttävällä tahdilla vaikka söin kuin hevonen. Se oli eittämättä yksi elämäni pelottavimpia kokemuksia ja sai minut ajattelemaan mikä minulle on oikeasti tärkeää? Timmi kroppa (eli jatkuva laihdutus koska en todellakaan ole luonnostani laiha) ei yhtäkkiä tuntunut minusta ollenkaan tärkeältä. Halusin vain terveen, vahvan kroppani takaisin. Pystyn normaalsti heittämään helposti 100 vatsalihasta, tuolloin sain ehkä... kaksi. Tunsin itseni hyödyttömäksi. Ja nyt kun voin jo paljon paremmin ja paino on noussut seitsemisen kiloa... olo on hämmentynyt. Toisaalta olen helvetin onnellinen että sytyn taas tekemään mitä haluan, voin hyvin ja olen elossa, toisaalta taas tunnen epäonnistuneeni koska olen lihonut niin paljon... Ja omituisinta on se, etten edes tiedä näytänkö nykyisissä mitoissani paremmalta vai huonommalta kuin ennen! Susihukka on ainakin onnellinen, näytän kuulemma naisellisemmalta. Mutta itse en tiedä mitä ajatella. On kamalaa kun ei enää mahdukaan johonkin vaatteeseen. Tuntuu kuin oma arvo olisi jotenkin laskenut. Vertailen taas itseäni ja tulen surulliseksi baareissa ja selaillessani nettiä. Ja samaan aikaan mietin että tuon ei pitäisi olla mulle millään lailla tärkeä asia!

Let's face it. I've been fat before. And Wolf loved me just as much as he does now. Although I partially lost weight before because I wanted to look better in his eyes. But it had nothing to do with it! What does affect our relationship however is the fact that I have become very self conscious about my weight... and about my body in general. I think that somehow falling ill and losing control over my own body pushed me over the edge and now I feel lost. On the other hand I want my body to be perfectly toned and all but even more I just want to be happy. I don't want to torture my body with crazy diets anymore. I don't want to count calories and refuse ice cream or go to bed hungry. I realize that I have been too hard for my body, even though it has served me so well. It has allowed me to do many kinds of sports, it has given me and my man pleasure, it has been very tough and healthy and endured many challenging jobs, always healed fast and well and I have repaid this with cruelty.

Mutta siis. Mä olen ennenkin ollut läski. Susihukka rakasti mua ihan yhtä paljon silloinkin, vaikka myönnettäköön että alunperin aloitin laikkarin että näyttäisin paremmalta Susihukan silmissä. Mutta painolla ei ollut kyllä mitään tekemistä sen asian kanssa! Se mikä on meidän suhteeseen vaikuttanut on mun jatkuva painontarkkailu ja kriiseily kroppani kanssa. Jollain tapaa kai sairastuminen ja kontrollinen menttäminen oman kehin suhteen suisti mut yli laidan ja nyt olen ihan hukassa sen suhteen mitä pitäsi tehdä. Toisaalta haluaisin treenata täydellisen timmin kropan itselleni, mutta vieläkin enemmän haluaisin olla onnellinen. Mä en enää halua kiduttaa mun kehoa hulluilla kuntokuureilla. Mä en halua enää laskea kaloreita enkä kieltäytyä jäätelöstä enkä mennä nälkäsenä nukkumaan. Pikkuhiljaa tajuntaan iskee ymmärrys että mä olen kohdellut mun kroppaa ihan kamalalla tavalla vaikka sen on toiminut mun hyväksi aina kuin unelma. Se on taipunut vaikka millaseen urheiluun, tuottanut nautintoa niin mulle kuin Susihukallekin, se on pysynyt lujana ja terveenä ja kestänyt vaikka millaisia fyysisesti kuormittavia duuneja ja parantunut aina nopeasti ja hyvin ja palkaksi mä olen vaan julmasti kiduttanut sitä.

I think I should stop hating myself for something that I'm not and start loving myself for something that I am. I am strong, capable of many things and pretty enough like this. Why should I be anything more? Why would it be important? Because for me life is all about being happy. And that doesn't mean being skinny.

Mä haluaisin nyt tehdä päätöksen että lopetan itteni vihaamisen sen vuoksi mitä mä en ole ja alan rakastaa itteäni sen takia mitä mä olen. Mä olen vahva ja pystyn tekemään vaikka ja mitä ja oon ihan riittävän simpsakka ihan tämmösenä. Miks vitussa mun pitäs tavoitella enempää? Miksi se olis tärkeää? Mulle elämän takoitus on kuitenki aina ollu olla onnellinen ja se ei oo sama asia kuin olla laiha.

So... what do you think? How important it is for you to be of trying to be the way you consider perfection? Or what is important for you in life? Of course this post isn't about mocking any body type. If you are naturally skinny you shouldn't force yourself to eat to get more curves. Whatever size the person I've always admired the ones that are happy with themselves. How about you?

Mitäpä mieltä ovat lukijat? Kuinka tärkeää teistä on pyrkiä täydellisyyteen? Tai mikä teille on elämässä ylipäätään tärkeää? Tämän postauksen tarkoitus ei ole sitten morkata mitään vartalotyyppiä. Luonnostaan laihan ei pitäisi pakolla lihottaa itseään saadakseen muotoja ja olipa ihminen mitä kokoa vaan mä olen aina ihaillut niitä jotka on sinut itsensä kanssa. Entä te? 

Btw, to illustrate this post I used pictures of myself practicing pole dancing (taken last week I think). This is one thing I'm very proud that my body can once again do. Skinny or not, I'm very happy with those pictures, they make me look and feel really powerful. <3

Muuten, kuvitin tän postauksen kuvilla joissa treenailen tankoilua (otettu muistaakseni viime viikolla). Tää on yks niistä jutuista joihin mun keho taas pystyy ja joista oon tosi ylpee. Laiha tai ei oon tosi tyytyväinen noihin kuviin, ne saa mut näyttämään vahvalta ja tuntemaan itteni selaseksi. <3

We don't need nobody, baby, we don't need champagne

Hi again! I’ve been very busy with the project RadioTV Kombo for the last month, but finally it’s over! Well, I still have some documents to write, but… anyway, I might even have some free time! Anyway, I didn’t come here to babble about the project, but something far more important: my mate, my love, Mr. Wolf. Today is Wolf’s birthday, so this post will be dedicated entirely for him. <3

Hei taas! Olen ollut ihan sikakiireinen RadioTV Kombon parissa viimeisen kuukauden , mutta nyt se on viimein ohi! Okei, pari dokumenttia pitää vielä rustata, mutta… kummiskin. Minulla saattaa olla jopa vapaa-aikaa! Kummskin. En tullut tänne jaarittelemaan siitä projektista, vaan jostain paljon tärkeämmästä: rakkaasta elämänkumppanistani Susihukasta. Susihukalla on tänään syntymäpäivä, joten omistan tämän postauksen kokonaan hänelle. <3

Me and Wolf have been together for about four and a half years now and I’m still head over heels in love with him. Wolf is the reason I’m still alive. He is the big bad wolf that lured me away from the road that was leading straight to hell. But maybe I’ll start from the beginning.

Minä ja Susihukka ollaan oltu yhdessä pyöreästi neljä ja puoli vuotta ja yhä vain olen korviani myöten rakastunut. On Susihukan ansiota, että olen yhä elossa. Hän on se iso paha susi joka houkutteli minut pois tieltäni helvettiin. Mutta ehkäpä aloitan alusta.

I had broken up with my ex and left badly scarred. Two years of dating him had caused me to have OCD, which was treated with therapy and pills but without much success.  I felt neurotic, depressed and suicidal every day. But then I met Wolf, online. I was actually looking for a guy to fool around with just a little bit, but nothing more. I wanted to have fun, but not to date anyone or especially not to fall in love. I was a mess, but trying to heal. So we started off as friends.

Olin eronnut eksästäni ja ihan rikki. Kaksi vuotta hänen kanssa seurusteltuani minulle oli jäänyt käteen pakkouneuroosi, kasa lääkkeitä ja terapiassa istuskelua, joista kumpikaan ei tuottanut mainittavasti tulosta. Olin neuroottinen, masentunut ja ajattelin itsemurhaa päivittäin. Mutta sitten tapasin internetin ihmeellisessä maailmassa Susihukan. Etsiskelin oikeastaan seuraa vain hauskanpitoon, minulla ei ollut aikomustakaan aloittaa seurustelua eikä etenkään rakastua. Olin ihan paskana, mutta yritin toipua. Joten meistä tuli aluksi vain ystäviä.

I still wanted to get together with my ex and he agreed. I was attached to him. He was cruel and shitty to me, but I was hooked. He was my first love after all. But then, in Midsummer 2007 he stood me up, once again. I knew that Wolf happened to be in town, too (we lived about 60km apart from each other back then) and decided to meet him instead. That was the first time we actually met face to face.  He was even more handsome than in the photos I had seen of him. Dark green eyes, shaved head, reddish beard and wolf-like smirk. We met really quickly, but a few days later we decided to meet properly and he came to visit me.  We had an amazing chemistry but since I was going to Tuska festival to have fun and get a little crazy we didn’t want anything serious. But then he decided to escort me to my train to Tuska.  In the train I started thinking of what the fuck am I doing? Why am I going all the way to Tuska to have a good time with some guy just for one weekend when I already have someone waiting for me at the train station? I texted him in the middle of the night: “If I promise to behave and be a really good girl could we start being serious with each other?” He agreed. And although I had fun mostly I was just hoping to get home soon to see him.

Tuohon aikaan halusin yhä palata yhteen eksäni kanssa. Olin koukussa häneen, vaikka hän kohteli minua julmasti ja paskamaisesti. Kyseinen tyyppi oli kuitenkin ensirakkauteni. Mutta juhannuksena 2007 hän teki taas vaihteeksi minulle oharit ja koska tiesin myös Susihukan olevan maisemissa päätin tavata sen sijaan hänet. Asuimme tuolloin noin 60km päässä toisistamme emmekä olleet ennen tavanneet kasvokkain. Susihukka oli komeampi kuin kuvissa joita olin nähnyt.  Tummanvihreät silmät, ajeltu pää, punertava parta ja susimainen virne. Tapasimme vain pikaisesti, mutta muutamaa päivää myöhemmin päätimme tavata oikeasti ja hän tuli käymään luonani. Kemia välillämme oli uskomaton, mutta koska olin parin päivän sisään lähdössä Tuskaan  hauskanpito ja kenties satunnainen miesseura mielessäni emme halunneet aloittaa mitään vakavaa. Mutta sitten Susihukka halusi saattaa minut junalle. Yöjunassa makasin valveilla ja mietin että olen hullu kun lähden Tuskaan satunnaisen seuran perässä, kun minulla on mies tuolla asemalla. Tekstasin hänelle keskellä yötä ja kysyin: ”Jos olisin oikein kiltisti niin  voitaisiinko tässä olla ihan vakavissaan?” Ja Susihukka suostui. Ja vaikka minulla oli hauskaa tuskassa enimmäkseen odotin kuin tulisilla hiilillä paluuta hänen luokseen.

A few days later I was on a beach with him. We were just lazing around, swimming and laying in the sand. And I had never been so happy in my life. I felt safe, wanted and needed. I remember thinking that this isn’t what I signed up for. I was supposed to have fun, not to fall in love. Especially with this weird, troll-like guy…  You see my ex was a blonde, almost anorexic, techno-listening pretty boy and Wolf was… the complete opposite. Sure he was hot, but he was big, muscular, hairy and kind of barbaric. But I had never felt so at home with anyone. I felt that we two were alike. We were lone wolves with twisted humor and kind of perverted outlook of the world. And I still feel that way. I think our species is somehow unique, different from all others.

Muutamaa päivää myöhemmin makoilin jo Susihukan kanssa rannalla. Laiskottelimme, uimme ja makoilimm hiekalla, enkä ollut koskaan ollut yhtä onnellinen. Tunsin oloni halutuksi, turvalliseksi, tarvituksi. Muistan ajatelleeni, ettei tässä näin pitänyt käydä. Minun piti vain pitää hauskaa, eikä rakastua, varsinkaan tuollaiseen outoon örkkiin… Eksäni oli anorektisen laiha blondi teknoa kuunteleva nättipoika ja Susihukka oli täydellinen vastakohta. Toki hän oli komea, mutta hän oli iso, lihaksikas, karvainen barbaari. Mutta en ollut koskaan tuntenut oloani niin kotoisaksi kuin hänen kanssaan. Me kaksi olimme samaa maata, yksinäisiä susia varustettuina kieroutuneella huumorintajulla ja perverssillä maailmankatsomuksella. Minusta tuntuu yhä samalta. Olemme ainoita lajiamme, erilaisia kuin muut.

It wasn’t easy for Wolf to date me at first. I was broken and I hadn’t had time to heal. But I knew I had to take my chances and get him before someone else does. So when I needed to babble about my ex or our relationship, Wolf listened. When I was really neurotic, Wolf understood and supported me. And he wanted me and loved me and respected me every moment, no matter how ridiculous I acted because of my OCD. And little by little I started to heal. I started to like myself again and trust people. I stopped thinking about the past and started being less and less neurotic.  I’m sure Wolf was really fed up with me at times, but he never gave up on me. I still feel neurotic at times, but rarely. I guess you could say I’m cured. I’m off pills and therapy, I have virtually no symptoms and I can take pressure and stress. And that is all thanks to Wolf.

Susihukan ei ollut helppoa olla kanssani  ainakaan aluksi. Olin ihan palasina eikä minulla ollut aikaa korjata itseäni, sillä tiesin että jos en tarttuisi nyt tilaisuuteen olla Susihukan kanssa joku muu tekisi sen kyllä. Joten minun oli otettava riski ja yritettävä. Mutta kuten erosta toipumiseen kuuluu minun oli puhuttava eksästäni ja suhteestamme ja Susihukka kuunteli kärsivällisesti. Kun tunsin oloni neuroottiseksi, Susihukka ymmärsi ja oli tukenani. Ja hän halusi, rakasti ja kunnioitti minua joka hetki, vaikka käyttäydyin kuinka naurettavasti neuroottisuuteni takia. Ja vähä vähältä minä paranin. Alon taas pitää itsestäni ja luottamaan ihmisiin. Lakkasin murehtimasta menneitä ja olemasta neuroottinen. Varmasti Susihukka oli välillä kurkkuaan myöten täynnä sitä kaikkea, mutta hän ei koskaan antanut periksi. Toisinaan olen yhä neuroottinen, mutta vain harvoin. Voisi kai sanoa, että olen toipunut. En käytä lääkkeitä tai tarvitse terapiaa, lähes oireeton ja kestän stressiä ja painetta. Ja siitä kaikki kunnia Susihukalle.

One thing my dad said to me when Wolf and I got engaged sums this whole thing up pretty good. He told me that it would be really easy to hate Wolf because of his looks, like tattoos, piercings and weird hair… but when you start talking to him you immediately notice that he is a really good guy. And I can say that my family truly loves Wolf. Because of what he did to me. What he made me.  And so do I.

Eräs asia, jonka isäni sanoi minulle kun mention kihloihin Susihukan kanssa tiivistää asian aika hyvin. Isäni sanoi, että Susihukkaa olisi todella helppo vihata hänen ulkonäkönsä, tatuointien, lävistysten ja kummallisten hiuksien vuoksi, mutta kun hänelle juttelee huomaa välittömästi kuinka hyvä tyyppi hän on. Ja sanon suoraan että perheeni rakastaa Suihukkaa. Sen vuoksi mitä hän teki minulle. Mitä hän teki minusta.  Ja mina rakastan häntä myös.

So, Wolf (I know you’ll be reading this). Thank you for everything. You are my soul mate, my other half, my master. And happy birthday! I love you, you are the smartest, funniest, sexiest and the most caring man I’ve ever met and you only get better with age. ;) <3

Joten Susihukka (tiedän, että luet tämän). Kiitos kaikesta. Olet sielunkumppanini, toinen puoleni, herrani. Ja hyvää syntymäpäivää! Rakastan sinua, olet älykkäin, hauskin, seksikkäin ja rakastavin mies jonka olen koskaan tavannut ja vain paranet vanhetessasi. ;) <3

She's in parties

Hi! I'm sorry about the lack of updates... I've been working from 8.30 to 22.00 almost every day and when I haven't I have most definitely been drunk. Last Friday I attended to OSAKORock event, which was held in the local heavy metal bar called Hevimesta. I had so much fun and I met many friends there and even managed to make some new acquaintances, nice to meet you both Variaznel and Neeppu. :3 Anyway, speaking of parties I just came to tell you that if you happen to be in Oulu on Wednesday (19.10.) there will be a goth/industrial/etc. club night on Nuclear Nightclub. The club is called Chambre Noir and the tickets will be 2e. I'll be there for sure, yay! <3

Heips! Anteeksi viimeaikainen blogihiljaisuus... Olen puurtanut koulun parissa puoli ysistä ilta kymmeneen lähes päivittäin ja silloin kun en ole tehnyt töitä olen melko todennäköisesti ollut kännissä. Viime perjantaina kävin tuulettumassa OSAKORockissa joka järjestettiin tänä vuonna Hevimestassa. Ilta oli tosi hauska, paljon kavereita tuli vastaan ja pari uutta tuttavuuttakin jopa. oli hauska tututstua Variaznel ja Neeppu. :3 Kummiskin bileistä puheen ollen piipahdin vain kertomaan että jos satutte olemaan Oulussa keskiviikkona (19.10.) niin Nuclear Nightclubissa olisi tarjolla gootti/industrial/jne. klubi-ilta. Klubi kantaa nimeä Chambre Noir ja liput sinne on tosiaan sen huikeat 2e. Itsehän suuntaan sinne, jeii! <3

Now I'm already runnig late so that's about it for today. Btw, wish me luck since I'm starting pole dancing again today! I'll be back later to tell how it went... :D Oh! And then I also need to ramble a bit about Dr. Professor's Thesis of Evil since I finally saw it on Saturday. Anyway, stay tuned!

Agh, olen jo myöhässä joten tässäpä tämä. Toivottakaa mulle onnea, aloitan tänään ihan virallisesti tankitanssin! Palaan myöhemmin kertomaan miten meni... :D Ai niin! Pitää tulla höpisemään myös Dr. Professor's Thesis of Evilistä, kävin nimittäin katsomassa sen lauantaina. Kummiskin, pysykäähän kuulolla!

Me, myself and I

I suppose I should tell a little bit about myself, so you know where I stand now.

I am 21 years old, I live in a small city in Finland, I have a fiancé (I shall call him Mr big bad wolf, or just Wolf, to hide his identity) and we have been dating about three and a half years now. I love gothic and fetish culture and fashion and I especially love pinstripe pattern and pvc fabric. I’m studying graphic design at the moment and I guess I’m pretty creative. I love to draw, paint, sew and modify stuff.

Speaking of sewing, here’s what I have accomplished today! I woke up early today with a bit of a hangover (I drank till 6am, went to bed and woke up at 10am, therefore slept four hours), took my sewing machine (a christmas gift from my mother  <3) and made myself a pair of pvc shorts and a shoulder bag (pvc on the outside and pinstripe on the inside). I am pretty happy with the results. :> My slimming project has also started nicely, today I did one hour of cycling and 100 sit-ups (and ate healthily and not too much either). :3

A good day all in all, tomorrow I’d like to go shopping a little bit. I need shower gel (this one would be nice), milk and eggs (how boring is that? :D). Anyway, see ya later, nonexistent readers… :D