Of body and soul

Hello. I've been thinking long and hard weather I should write about this subject and if so, what would I have to say? I've finally made up my mind and decided that I will write about it. So today's post will be about body (issues). Sorry about rather free style of writing. :D

Tervehdys. Olen miettinyt pitkään ja hartaasti pitäisikö minun kirjoittaa tästä aiheesta ja jos niin mitä? Päätin nyt sitten tarttua härkää sarvista ja alkaa rustaamaan tekstiä aiheesta keho ja kehonkuva... anteeksi vaan tajunnanvirtamaisuus.

When I first started this blog I was trying to lose a little bit weight (and I did). I wanted to look better in my own eyes and of course in others' too. Almost exactly one year later I was afraid of dying. I weighted only 48kg, I felt powerless, I couldn't sleep, walk let alone exercise... do much anything. Because of the Hyperthyreosis, which also made me lose weight rapidly no matter how much I ate. It was without a doubt one of the scariest things I've ever experienced and it got me thinking... what really is important for me? Being skinny (aka constantly dieting since I'm not naturally skinny) suddenly didn't feel that important at all. I just wanted to be healthy and powerful again. I can normally do like 100 situps easily but suddenly I could only do like... two. I felt totally useless. And now, that I have finally gotten better and gained like 7kg of weight... I feel very confused. art of me is happy as hell that I can do whatever I want again, that I feel good, that I am alive. But part of me feels like a total failure for gaining all that weight... And the weirdest part is that I don't even know weather I looked better or worse before! At least Wolf is happy, he says I look more womanly now. But I'm not sure what to think. It feels terrible when your clothes don't fit you anymore. And I feel like... my value is diminished. I compare myself again. Bars make me sad. Internet makes me sad. And at the same time I keep thinking that this shit shouldn't even be important!

Kun aloitin kirjoittamaan tätä blogia halusin pudottaa vähän painoa (ja pudotinkin). Halusin näyttää paremmalta omaan silmääni ja tottakai myös muiden. Melkein tarkalleen vuosi myöhemmin pelkäsin kuolevani. Painoin 48kg, olin täysin voimaton, en pystynyt nukumaan, en kävelemään, phumattakaan treenaamisesta... en jaksanut oikein mitään kiitos hypertyreoosin joka sai myös painoni putoamaan hälyyttävällä tahdilla vaikka söin kuin hevonen. Se oli eittämättä yksi elämäni pelottavimpia kokemuksia ja sai minut ajattelemaan mikä minulle on oikeasti tärkeää? Timmi kroppa (eli jatkuva laihdutus koska en todellakaan ole luonnostani laiha) ei yhtäkkiä tuntunut minusta ollenkaan tärkeältä. Halusin vain terveen, vahvan kroppani takaisin. Pystyn normaalsti heittämään helposti 100 vatsalihasta, tuolloin sain ehkä... kaksi. Tunsin itseni hyödyttömäksi. Ja nyt kun voin jo paljon paremmin ja paino on noussut seitsemisen kiloa... olo on hämmentynyt. Toisaalta olen helvetin onnellinen että sytyn taas tekemään mitä haluan, voin hyvin ja olen elossa, toisaalta taas tunnen epäonnistuneeni koska olen lihonut niin paljon... Ja omituisinta on se, etten edes tiedä näytänkö nykyisissä mitoissani paremmalta vai huonommalta kuin ennen! Susihukka on ainakin onnellinen, näytän kuulemma naisellisemmalta. Mutta itse en tiedä mitä ajatella. On kamalaa kun ei enää mahdukaan johonkin vaatteeseen. Tuntuu kuin oma arvo olisi jotenkin laskenut. Vertailen taas itseäni ja tulen surulliseksi baareissa ja selaillessani nettiä. Ja samaan aikaan mietin että tuon ei pitäisi olla mulle millään lailla tärkeä asia!

Let's face it. I've been fat before. And Wolf loved me just as much as he does now. Although I partially lost weight before because I wanted to look better in his eyes. But it had nothing to do with it! What does affect our relationship however is the fact that I have become very self conscious about my weight... and about my body in general. I think that somehow falling ill and losing control over my own body pushed me over the edge and now I feel lost. On the other hand I want my body to be perfectly toned and all but even more I just want to be happy. I don't want to torture my body with crazy diets anymore. I don't want to count calories and refuse ice cream or go to bed hungry. I realize that I have been too hard for my body, even though it has served me so well. It has allowed me to do many kinds of sports, it has given me and my man pleasure, it has been very tough and healthy and endured many challenging jobs, always healed fast and well and I have repaid this with cruelty.

Mutta siis. Mä olen ennenkin ollut läski. Susihukka rakasti mua ihan yhtä paljon silloinkin, vaikka myönnettäköön että alunperin aloitin laikkarin että näyttäisin paremmalta Susihukan silmissä. Mutta painolla ei ollut kyllä mitään tekemistä sen asian kanssa! Se mikä on meidän suhteeseen vaikuttanut on mun jatkuva painontarkkailu ja kriiseily kroppani kanssa. Jollain tapaa kai sairastuminen ja kontrollinen menttäminen oman kehin suhteen suisti mut yli laidan ja nyt olen ihan hukassa sen suhteen mitä pitäsi tehdä. Toisaalta haluaisin treenata täydellisen timmin kropan itselleni, mutta vieläkin enemmän haluaisin olla onnellinen. Mä en enää halua kiduttaa mun kehoa hulluilla kuntokuureilla. Mä en halua enää laskea kaloreita enkä kieltäytyä jäätelöstä enkä mennä nälkäsenä nukkumaan. Pikkuhiljaa tajuntaan iskee ymmärrys että mä olen kohdellut mun kroppaa ihan kamalalla tavalla vaikka sen on toiminut mun hyväksi aina kuin unelma. Se on taipunut vaikka millaseen urheiluun, tuottanut nautintoa niin mulle kuin Susihukallekin, se on pysynyt lujana ja terveenä ja kestänyt vaikka millaisia fyysisesti kuormittavia duuneja ja parantunut aina nopeasti ja hyvin ja palkaksi mä olen vaan julmasti kiduttanut sitä.

I think I should stop hating myself for something that I'm not and start loving myself for something that I am. I am strong, capable of many things and pretty enough like this. Why should I be anything more? Why would it be important? Because for me life is all about being happy. And that doesn't mean being skinny.

Mä haluaisin nyt tehdä päätöksen että lopetan itteni vihaamisen sen vuoksi mitä mä en ole ja alan rakastaa itteäni sen takia mitä mä olen. Mä olen vahva ja pystyn tekemään vaikka ja mitä ja oon ihan riittävän simpsakka ihan tämmösenä. Miks vitussa mun pitäs tavoitella enempää? Miksi se olis tärkeää? Mulle elämän takoitus on kuitenki aina ollu olla onnellinen ja se ei oo sama asia kuin olla laiha.

So... what do you think? How important it is for you to be of trying to be the way you consider perfection? Or what is important for you in life? Of course this post isn't about mocking any body type. If you are naturally skinny you shouldn't force yourself to eat to get more curves. Whatever size the person I've always admired the ones that are happy with themselves. How about you?

Mitäpä mieltä ovat lukijat? Kuinka tärkeää teistä on pyrkiä täydellisyyteen? Tai mikä teille on elämässä ylipäätään tärkeää? Tämän postauksen tarkoitus ei ole sitten morkata mitään vartalotyyppiä. Luonnostaan laihan ei pitäisi pakolla lihottaa itseään saadakseen muotoja ja olipa ihminen mitä kokoa vaan mä olen aina ihaillut niitä jotka on sinut itsensä kanssa. Entä te? 

Btw, to illustrate this post I used pictures of myself practicing pole dancing (taken last week I think). This is one thing I'm very proud that my body can once again do. Skinny or not, I'm very happy with those pictures, they make me look and feel really powerful. <3

Muuten, kuvitin tän postauksen kuvilla joissa treenailen tankoilua (otettu muistaakseni viime viikolla). Tää on yks niistä jutuista joihin mun keho taas pystyy ja joista oon tosi ylpee. Laiha tai ei oon tosi tyytyväinen noihin kuviin, ne saa mut näyttämään vahvalta ja tuntemaan itteni selaseksi. <3

Bat cave home decor.

Hello and sorry about the rather long period of silence. I've been very busy with school projects and hosting some relatives during weekends. Wolf became uncle recently, but his poor little niece was born badly premature and will be hospitalised until summer. So Wolf's brother and his girlfriend will spend weekends here with us to visit their newborn daughter (so they don't have to drive nearly 300km every day to see her). Anyway, been busy, forgive me. :D

But now, back to the title. ;) We have been decorating our little bat cave a bit and I thought it could be fun to show you. :)

Ta dah! We made a semi baldachin for our bed! Now I feel like a (rather twisted) little princess! We drilled three hooks on the ceiling (one for each corner) and then used chain as curtain rod. The curtains I already had, the chain costed around 15e and the hooks and a bunch of other home renovation stuff cost aroud 5e. So the whole thing was fairly cheap and easy. :)

Another cool thing we got for our home was this. Our neighbour moved out and left this beauty behind. So yay, more room for jackets! I want to hold a party soon just to test drive this. :D

And finally, I did some shopping. I got new candleholders (can't remember what they cost, 1 or 2 euros all together I suspect) from fleamarket. And then a real treasure! A new slave mug! I collect these things. I have two white mugs that say: "ORJA" and "THE SLAVE" and now I found a black "THE SLAVE" mug too from the flea market, only 1e. :3 And finally I bought new drinking glasses from Halpa Halli, a package of three was 3,90e and I bought two... rather expensive for me, but I've been lusting for those for over a year. :D

 

By the way, I have once again reached my goal weight. But I have to say I've grown tired of this gaining/losing weight issue. I think I just want to stop staring at the scale and start listening to my body more. I am not sure if I can do it. I've been on a diet for over two years now and it has become kind of a habit. To count calories and not allowing treats for yourself and so on. But I will try. I've been baking like crazy for our guests and for Wolf and myself too so I'll share a couple of more pictures with you.

The first one is a picture of a mudcake I baked for Wolf's brothers birthday. Not very pretty, but simple and yummy. :) The second picture is our breakfast yesterday. Full grain bread rolls, bacon, fried eggs, ham, processed cheese, cucumber and tomato. All this and coffee served with Fringe season one. I have absolutely fallen in love with that series. :D But now I'll go have a shower and start preparing food for the hungry Wolf (self made hamburgers and oven baked apples and oat with vanilla sauce as dessert). Have a great Sunday all you readers. <3

Busy with having fun.

Long time no see, sorry about that. ^^; I turned 22 couple of weeks ago and a week from that we had our winter break and we went to visit our families and friends so I haven't really had time to blog. Anyway, I thought I could show you some of my recent shopping and b-day gifts. :3

First, the birthday gifts. The little black Moomin jar is from my mom. The bigger one I bought from the flea market (can't remember what it cost... around 3e I think...). The Lord Nelson tea and a piece of Lush shower... thing (:D) are from a classmate and the Maybelline Forever Strong Midnight Blue nailpolish and mini tri-pod for my camera are from another classmate. :3 Thank you. <3 We were a bit broke both Wolf and I so he baked me a cake and we agreed that when we have more money and I find something I want to have I can go and buy it as my b-day present. :3 The cake and the party was great, our little flat was once again filled with drunk people (mostly guys though, I need to find more girl friends :D) and Wolf encouraged all the guys to go topless for me (gotta love that man <3). So a great party indeed. ;D Anyway, back to the shopping.

Knitted cap from the flea market, 50 cents, gloves from the flea market, 20 cents, a scarf from the flea market, 50 cents and a belt from the flea market, 50 cents.

The pvc-skirt from the flea market, 3,5e I think and a wet look shirt from the flea market 2e. The skirt is from Allure Leather and it is a size s (I usually wear xs) and it was way too small for me (!) but I modified it a bit and now it can be worn as in the picture, with tulle skirt under it. :3

And last but not least, I recently did some modeling for a friend. They have a movie coming out soon (check out the teaser here) and they needed a model for their fan t-shirts. Of course I agreed! And I was so happy to receive one of their t-shirts as a reward. :3 Here is it. <3

By the way, I have been thinking if I should start showing my face here on the blog too. If I do that, I could show you some party pics, modelling pics etc... but of course that means giving up my anonymity... then again it would be easier to make friends with people if they would recognize me. :DD

Ps. During my b-day and the winter break I gained weight... but I enjoyed every mouthful! Anyway, It's back to dieting... darn. :P Well, I will start dieting tomorrow so I'll post about it later. Now, I'll go do my evening exercise and watch Sex and the City movie. :3

Success!

Last saturday I finally did it. I reached my goal weight! I now weight 50kg (or a bit under/over, depends) and I feel sooooooo proud. :) Now I guess my new challenge will be maintaining that weight, but with healthy eating habits I've learned I think it will be a piece of cake (get it, cake, ahaha). Anyway, since I finally achieved something big, I think I will show you my starting point and also how I am today. Prepare to be shocked!

So... the first one is taken... early winter 2008 I suppose? Or around that time. With Wolf of course. <3 I think I'm around 70kg in this picture, or at least close. I can't be sure, I didn't own a scale back then. The second one is me today, about half an hour ago. :D And about 20kg lighter. :) Right now, in this moment, I am more than happy with myself. I still love food, but I've learned to appreciate simple, healthy foods, not just sweets and greasy snacks. I feel happier with myself and I would be lying if I said I only did it for my health... I did it purely because I wanted to look better.  I'm not saying being skinny makes you beautiful or that you have to be thin to be pretty. But that's just how I feel about my body. I'm quite short and muscular type and I think I seriously look better with a waist. :D Ironically, I myself adore guys that are a bit chubby (or fluffy as Gabriel Iglesias would say ;D) and I simply love manboobs. <3 So remember kids, each to their own. <3


Anyway, I also want to try adding some Youtube videos here. Some fluffiness for you to admire... <3

Changeling

Long tome no see you all! I haven't been blogging for a while, since there has been absolutely nothing very interesting to tell. Diet is doing all right, I have around 0,5kg left. :3 And about that... I think that this last pound is going to be pretty hard for me to drop, since I just decided to stop using aspartame. I just read this and discovered that I have almost all first symptoms of aspartame poisoning. My hands and feed get cold and numb easily, I feel tired and dizzy, I have swelling and moodiness and sometimes my I also have problems with my sight. Of course, this could be just dieting, but I'm going to stop or at least reduce considerably my use of aspartame (good bye Coca Cola Light, I will miss you) and see if it will improve my health. Wish me luck with this, I will be needing it...

And then another thing. My birthday is coming up soon and originally I was thinking of having my nipple pierced. Well, guess what? I'm not going to do that either. Not after reading this. My boobs are pretty heavy and tender anyway and they get irritated pretty easily, so I consider myself a pretty high risk for such condition... too bad, I would have loved to have some nice jewelery in there... How about you my readers? Have you had a nipple piercing or have you ever had complications because of piercings?

Ps. The worst thing is that my plan B for my birthday was to buy a certain corset... but apparently my size sold out recently. So at the moment it seems that I'm not going to get anything for my birthday (since we don't have much money and there isn't really anything else I need so... pointless to get something thats merely "okay"... I guess I'll just save that little amount of money for later... there's probably some medical bills or something coming up anyway. Yeah, I'm practically little miss sunshine aren't I? :D

Bat bites.

I've had a really fun day today! I went to recolor my tattoo today and I thought that I could share a picture of it with you. I took the tattoo the ninth of December last year and it was actually a Christmas present from Wolf. <3 The ink didn't take very well in the first session so today I had the second one and this time it took really nicely, both me and my tattooer Kaitsu from Red & White Ink were satisfied. :) So here it comes, two little bats over my heart as you can see. <3

I also baked bread today with this recipe because we are having a friend over for the weekend. It turned out okay, tastes like home made bread rolls. :D Here's a picture of the bread too.

Oh, and my diet is still doing okay. I weighted myself this morning and I had lost 1,5kg. So I'm halfway through! But now I'm taking a two week break and eating properly so my tattoo will heal nicely. :3 I hope I don't gain weight though, I'm going to snack a bit this weekend with Wolf and our friend. I think I'll even bake a small apple pie for the guys tomorrow, a little treat with coffee. ;3 But I'll try to be sensible with this. :D That's it for today, now I'll go get my back massaged by my beloved Wolf... ;3

Less of a human.

One kilogram to be exact. Yay! So I have lost one kg in one week and my stomach (the ultimate problem area) has definitely gotten a bit slimmer. ^o^ The two remaining kilos won't be leaving as fast, though, I can diet pretty hard until next 'Thursday, but then I have to tone this down a bit, because I'm having my tattoo recolored and I want it to heal properly. :3 Well, I guess there's no hurry. Also, we are having a friend over and we are going to go out a bit next weekend, so I might even take a couple of days off. :3 I try not to take this too seriously, because I got OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) in high school (pretty much recovered now, though) and I'm scared of developing an eating disorder too. So far everything is fine though. :D Ahem, so much talk over such a little achievement, but it has been a hungry week for me! So please forgive me. :D And now, movie time! I will watch Basic Instinct with Wolf. :3

Over three thousand words.

...Or just 3 pictures. :) I thought it would be nice to put up some pictures of the shorts and bag I made, so there you go!

shorts

bag outside

bag inside

Sorry about the bad picture quality, As you can see, I'm using a mobile phone camera at the moment, because my digital camera broke after our interrail trip last summer and I haven't had the money to buy a new one... I'm saving for a systems camera though!

Ps. My diet is soing ok, haven't eaten too much or unhealthily, been doing my sit-ups, push-ups, cycling, walking and so on. I was thinking maybe I should be just a little bit more severe and try If I could slim down for my birthday (which is 25th of February, so I got almost 2 months, not impossible!). Wish me luck. <3

Pps. Oh yay, I got one reader! Welcome! ^o^

Me, myself and I

I suppose I should tell a little bit about myself, so you know where I stand now.

I am 21 years old, I live in a small city in Finland, I have a fiancé (I shall call him Mr big bad wolf, or just Wolf, to hide his identity) and we have been dating about three and a half years now. I love gothic and fetish culture and fashion and I especially love pinstripe pattern and pvc fabric. I’m studying graphic design at the moment and I guess I’m pretty creative. I love to draw, paint, sew and modify stuff.

Speaking of sewing, here’s what I have accomplished today! I woke up early today with a bit of a hangover (I drank till 6am, went to bed and woke up at 10am, therefore slept four hours), took my sewing machine (a christmas gift from my mother  <3) and made myself a pair of pvc shorts and a shoulder bag (pvc on the outside and pinstripe on the inside). I am pretty happy with the results. :> My slimming project has also started nicely, today I did one hour of cycling and 100 sit-ups (and ate healthily and not too much either). :3

A good day all in all, tomorrow I’d like to go shopping a little bit. I need shower gel (this one would be nice), milk and eggs (how boring is that? :D). Anyway, see ya later, nonexistent readers… :D